Most people assume that cats are not avid purrrusers of the media, but here in the Artful Dodger, there is little more relaxing than laying in the netting above the bar with my friend Bruce – a very fine Persian Blue – and watching a little high class drama on Catflix or Mewtube. All this while the Felix, the landlord, and locals are all playing ‘arrers’.

Bruce and I were very taken with a new series called ‘Royal Wedding’ which is set in Windsor Castle. There was the band of the Irish Guards; they all seemed to be wearing a cat on their head. The hero, Prince Larry, a handsome Orlando Marmalade bearded tomcat, with large white paws. He was getting married to Moggy Markle – a sleek Balinese Havana Brown – highly intelligent, agile and athletic, and very playful. Bruce told me that breed is purrrficient at exotic dancing. They also love puzzles, playing fetch and carry, and are extremely opinionated.

The ceremony was performed by the Archbishop of Catbury, Justine Wellbeloved, and the appropriately named Reverend Curry was talking about fire. There was one feline – apparently Prince Larry’s old amour – who looked as sick as a parrot; probably because she was named after a football team.

And a funny old couple were seated at the back. He kept saying, “Who the bloody hell are all these moggies?” And she kept saying “Shut up, Philip!” or something like that. I do like to see a range of colours and breeds in a feline family. Apparently, Moggy Markle had tried to get jobs in adverts for Cleopatra’s Cat Cuisine and Trump’s Tasty Titbits; but they prefurrred to have a cat like a Russian White as it sold more pouches. As my wise old uncle Ebenezer used to say, “Discrimination is never rational, but it makes a darn good attempt at pretending to be.” No idea what he meant.

We enjoyed the first episode of Royal Wedding, but Bruce doesn’t think it will catch on. “It’ll never last,” he said.


"Brilliant descriptions of characters and places enrich a twisty plot that kept me guessing right to the end. John Simes is a master story teller."James Stevenson, Author