Well hello, Pussypots. Fabulous February has given way to windy March and change is in the air. My friend Bruce, a very fine Persian blue, says that our Prime Minister Teaser Maybot is in doggy’s doo-doo up to her twin-set and whiskers – which is no place for the Top Cat.  And, by the time you read this, this funny BREXIT business may all be over, and Jeremy Catflap sworn is as our new chief moggie.

So, dear friends, it is time to take a stand! I am in receipt of a missive from one Rusty – a canine of this parish – calling upon me to join him in somewhere called ‘purdah’ and to stand in the forthcoming Council elections. Dogs are such dear, sweet, hopeless creatures – endlessly seeking attention, banding together in packs and running around in circles. Dear friends, let me ask you seriously: do you really think a dog is capable of organising anything? Have you not noticed that cats cannot be ‘herded’ into packs, and that we do not spend our precious time wagging our tails ridiculously, or running around panting, with our tongues hanging out?

Cats are reflective creatures. We stand back from the fray and look upon the world with an intellectual detachment that is the envy of human beings – which explains why we are so respected and even worshipped. Cats, quite honestly, do not need to be ‘elected’ – as you humans put it. We are already in charge. Rusty, endearing little tail-wagger that he is, has simply not noticed.

However, to please our dear lovely, little, woofy friend, it gives me pleasure to accept Rusty’s challenge and present my manifesto for Feline Freedom and Prosperity for All within the Bigbury parish.

  1. The immediate opening of four new public houses within Bigbury and other parishes – the former Royal Oak Bigbury to be renamed ‘The Cat and the Fiddle’. The ‘Bay Café’ to reopen as ‘Cap’n Jasper’s Fish Emporium’ and the old ‘Sun Inn’ in Ringmore to be the ‘Puss in Boots Alms’. The poor, culturally deprived and impoverished people of Stakes Hill and surrounds to have their own brand new pub – ‘The Purr N’ Furkin’ – in the garden at Long Easton. All these joyous establishments to have at lease two compulsory log fires to enable cats to exercise by walking from one fire to the other on wet winter evenings.
  2. Dog Proliferation – we cats accept and enjoy the antics of our canine friends. We do believe however that they should be fitted with magnetised microchips. That simple device would enable a dog warden, suitably equipped with an electronic ‘dog-rustling rod’, to quickly round up stray beasts.
  3. Any Bigbury citizen over the age of fifty-five to be allocated a cat as part of their Personalised Care Plan – cats play a vital role in contributing to pensioners’ well-being and preservation of sanity.
  4. A Wall for Bigbury – Bruce and I are mystified by Rusty’s obsession with building a wall around the parish. A wall has yet to be built that can limit the freedom of cats!
  5. The immediate removal of all dog bins from across the parish. Their smell offends the delicate sensibility of cats’ olfactory organs and simply panders to the irresponsible behaviour of dogs. I therefore propose to raise council tax on all dog owning households to Band F and require both the dogs and their owners to attend courses on Pooh Management at Further Education Colleges.

More next month, Pusspots! And remember:

 

VOTE MONTY! YES, WE CAT!

 

  1. Talking of Brexit, did you hear that two cats – one English, one French – had a swimming race across the English Channel? The English cat was called “One two three”, the French cat was called “Un deux trois”.

Which cat won…?

The English cat.

Why…?

 

Because Un deux trois cat sank…


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